The anticipation ...

I must admit - I am feeling quite nervous about the idea. What if no-one reads it? What if they read it and forget it? What if they read it and tread the idea into the ground? Strange how something you believe in 100% can give you doubts - there is a strong urge right now of deleting all existence of it in case of rejection. I got caught up in all this on Monday, realised after a few days of it bothering me that I must do something - I must at least try to bring it all to some coherence. So I ended up not sleeping until late Tuesday trying to pull it all together, trying to remember some of the forgotten things that have come to mind over the years and pulling it in. They are still appearing, almost shouting at me me for forgetting them and not doing anything about them. Ideas can get so aggressive at times can't they. Well I have placated some of them by writing them down, taking notes of ones I still need to pull in. They are still unsettled however because they need to be written coherently and linked together. I will do it... honestly...

I think it is a disability being an ideas person, because unless you follow them through they nag at you constantly. I have written books and books of them on scraps of paper over the years, which inevitably get lost when I cruelly have a sort out and throw them away. It harms your career too - you are never satisfied with the status quo - you see things - things that could be better, things that would be more helpful to others. Some you try, some work, some fail, but they require much more effort to implement than any one can put into in a life time. Well I look back at the lifetime now, 46 years of it and ask the question - What have I really achieved? Who have I really helped in those years? It is very dissatisfying. I always 'thought I knew' that I would do something, create something wonderful that would help everyone in the world. What followed were many crazy ideas through the years that seemed to be wonderful but needed a better person than I to follow them, needed me to be better organised, more intelligent, more of a salesman - well I failed on all counts. I hope one day that this constant battle will end somehow - that either I can do what I really wanted to achieve and help everyone or I can silence the noise and be happy with everything as it is. I know there are others in the world who suffer the same, they get wrapped up in their world (so many worlds) and make themselves ill try to achieve their purpose. Is it an obsession - In some ways it is a beautiful obsession , like listening to a piece of music that at the time of listening seems perfect and beautiful in ways that cannot be described in normal language - everything seems to come together, everything seems possible and your heart is full of the possibilities, then comes along everyday life, the minutiae that takes over because you must survive, you must think of other things, you must earn money, be responsible and take care of the errands of the day.

Well here I present to you - an idea, not a small one, possibly one of the biggest, but it is feasible, it is real, so much can be achieved if it becomes a reality, it can help every person, every sentient being that upholds it going forward - and everyone needs help, a purpose, principles by which to live by, a means of knowing that they have done some good in the world and that they have worked together or by themselves to remove pain, suffering or a problem from someones life.

Lets end all these problems together - put an end to needless want and suffering. Lets put an end to all the wasted opportunities in our life and get up and do something about it.

I began this post by letting of steam and ended up on a soapbox - I'll get down for now and let you decide.